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This Mum? This is me

Updated: Sep 15, 2019

So, this is my first ever blog and the subject is me, so I can't promise the content will be riveting but its handy to know who is behind This Mum. Firstly, my name is Stevie and I am a mum (not a dad). My name isn't shared too often across the socials or the website and that's not so I can be mysterious or anonymous, it's simply due to gender confusion. I've dealt with it a lot over the years. I've been stopped by police because of it, confused for a boyfriend not a friend on the telephone and been refused entry to my own pre booked taxi, but I don't fancy being confused for a dad on a mum page so that just clears that one up. Back to being a mum then, precisely I'm a mum of two. I've got a little girl and a little boy. My daughter is 4 and my son is 1 and their names won't be shared on this page and that ironically is for anonymity purposes. I quite like their names and don't think they will create any gender confusion in the future. Although it's 2019 so gender may not be around at all when they grow up! (would have saved me a whole lot of bother when I was growing up). Now, my two kids, they are a blessing and I love them more than I ever knew was possible but I learned a lot through parenting. One of the things I learned, was how true the saying "there's a fine line between love and hate" is. Now, I know hate is a strong word and I don't really feel hate but that is catchier than there's a fine line between "love and mental instability" so we will go with love and hate (more of that later). On top of being a Mum I'm also somebody's wife, (again learning the love hate lesson). Thankfully with all three of my people I only ever teeter on the hair like line crossing over to hate. On top of those two jobs I'm also a Hypnobirthing Teacher and Pregnancy Massage Therapist. Also, often like a real therapist during the sessions, although not claiming to be a qualified real therapist through anything other than my own life's experiences. These two jobs I've started within the last year, although experienced with hypnobirthing for the last 5. I started this due to a compelling desire to help support mums throughout pregnancy, birth and beyond. It all began with my own pregnancy. I was one of the first of my friends to have a baby and so it's safe to say I didn't really know what to expect (does anyone ever?). The biggest thing that shocked me was how I felt versus how everyone else SAID they felt, (as you can see said is in capitals and that's because what they said and what they really felt can be two very different things I've later found out). Anyway, at the time I found out I was pregnant (unplanned and in a VERY new relationship), I felt scared, confused and anxious. Even once I'd got my head around the fact that I was going to have a baby (which wasn't long later), I started to feel terrified of the whole thing. I dreaded every scan in case anything was wrong and I just didn't feel the way others were telling me they felt, so I thought I wasn't normal. This feeling of anxiety and fear every time I had a hospital appointment amongst other things, led to me choosing to birth my babies at home. A decision I made for myself after months of research and weighing up all the pros and cons and a decision that was right for ME. That being said this doesn't make me pro home birth for everyone. I'm just pro empowering mums. I decided to do hypnobirthing for my birth as it had come up a lot in my research and I couldn't fault the information I found. It made perfect sense to me. It made me educated on all things birth and taught me how to cope through the stages. When I birthed my first baby it was amazing. I just loved the whole experience and I couldn't understand why all people didn't do hypnobirthing and have this feeling for themselves. I even said during my first birth "next time I'd do this etc". My midwife laughed as she is used to hearing women saying "never again" when they're birthing their babies. I didn't lie I would do birth many, many times over! Birth never puts me off now thanks to me using my Hypnobirthing but what does is how hard motherhood is. No one ever told me how hard it is, or how I may feel after having a baby and so again I just didn't think I was normal. I questioned whether I had PND a few times because people told me 'its just amazing isn't it?' and 'don't you just feel like you're on cloud 9?' and all I could think was, 'No, not all the time I don't'. I felt very overwhelmed, I wondered why I'd ever thought this was a good idea. I struggled with my sense of self and found new insecurities, my relationship changed, plus much more. It was only as more of my friends started having babies that I began to talk about any of this. Mainly to warn people they may feel like this too and I found out that they did in fact feel like this. At that moment I just knew I wanted to help others to realise this was ok. It will pass, go easy on yourself. Then I went on to have another baby, again I used hypnobirthing to have another amazing birth (of a 9lb11 baby). Whilst the initial overwhelming feelings were not as bad, the change from 1 to 2 babies came with it's own challenges for me to face. I knew from the first time round that it was normal to feel this way and to talk to people about it straight away. My friend, (a fellow mum of 2) and I have regularly swapped stories about never ending piles of washing, borderline alcoholism (our reward for surviving the day) and uncontrollable sobs when you think you just cannot take another minute, and it's honestly like therapy. If you're feeling this way and don't have someone to talk to, I'm always open for a chat. Anyway, that's me and I hope you didn't fall asleep half way through (or if you have a baby that's not sleeping I kind of hope you did- and then woke up again to read on). If you liked this great, I will be adding more posts weekly for you to read so any subject suggestions welcome.

Take care of you,

Stevie

This Mum Liverpool


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